The S-word: "Should"

Today I had a wonderful friend remind me of a dirty word I used to say: should. I have not been in the habit of using this word or of being in the “should” mindset for quite a while. It wasn’t until he pointed it out that I realized the word had slyly snuck its way back into my vocabulary and into my present way of thinking.

The “aha” moment came to me when this friend asked me what I wanted. Why is that question so hard to answer for the majority of us? We’re so used to answering that question with what we should want, what we should be doing—or for further clarification, what our culture, our family, or ourselves think we should be doing. The truth is, there is no “should.” “Should” is a word we use when we want to manipulate someone or ourselves to do something you don’t want to do. Something that could be an intrinsic desire turns into an obligation when we use the word “should.” How much more valuable is it when you do something because you wanted to, as opposed to feeling obligated to. “Should” sneakily takes the choice out of something and makes it seem dreadful, when if it remained a choice, you might be happy to do it!

But “should” is a word we have grown up our whole lives hearing. No wonder it’s nearly unfathomable and rather terrifying to eliminate the word! When you stop saying “I should do this” or “You should do that” or “What should I do?”, you are daring to look at the overlooked word “want.” Upon removing the should-shell, you’re left with a vulnerable underbelly that is what you truly want.

Sure, the should-shell feels comfortable, safe, and normal even, but imagine how much lighter you would feel if you took off that cumbersome shell! Think of the positive consequences that come from removing the elements of “what I should be” and shifting your thought process to “what I want to be.”

I made the mistake of answering this question with a type of lifestyle I wanted to live: “I want to have the freedom to travel, to nurture friendships, to have adventure.” I thought I knew what I wanted, but I did not yet fully understand the question.

Asking yourself, “What do I want?” doesn’t mean “What do you want to have.” Of course, asking this question is a good start—don’t misunderstand me. Identifying the things or lifestyle you want to have is a wonderful step. Yet it is only a stepping stone to uncovering the deeper question: “How do I want to feel?”

“Why do I want that thing? Why do I want that lifestyle?” With further discussion with my friend, I realized I hadn’t quite gotten to that part just yet. My desire for a lifestyle of travel, adventure, and friendship was provoked by an even deeper yearning: a desire to feel a certain way. And pinpointing this is the hardest part of all. In fact, I do not believe I have found my answer just yet. But this blog is about my journey! Although I have not yet discovered what it is a truly want (that is, what feelings I’m truly seeking), I have learned and know from experience that focusing on “should’s” and outward wants will not fully satisfy our deepest desires unless we wholeheartedly examine the feeling we are really truly looking for.