Finding Familiarity...thru Film

Over the past few weeks, I have developed a strange pastime; whenever I am eating, doing a craft, working on the computer,... just about any time that I am at my apartment, I engage in this pastime. It is watching Runaway Bride. I haven't counted, but I am pretty sure I have watched Julia Roberts fall in love with Richard Gere about 6 or 7 times in the past three weeks!

After watching the movie for the second time, I couldn't quite fathom the feeling I had that I wanted to watch it again. Not to mention that I was listening to the soundtrack as I ran in the morning and even as I walked to and from yoga. By the fourth time, I began to realize that maybe there was something more to it than just "feeling like" watching the movie.

After the fifth time, I started searching for meaning in my constant hunch to turn on the movie. Maybe living on my own in a big city for the first time was causing me to seek comfort by watching a movie that is set in a small town. Maybe it was the close-knit group of friends Julia Roberts has in that small town--is this telling me I am lonely?

At this point, I was able to quote the majority of the movie, knew the words to all the songs, even knew the facial expressions each character makes. I hesitate to say that this is pathetic (a) because I'm trying to be kind with myself and (b) because I felt like there was more to my multiple views than just an obsession. As I turned on Runaway Bride for the sixth time, I realized that I am seeking familiarity. I grew up watching this movie. I consistently watch it once a year. Runaway Bride is a home away from home for me, and I discovered that watching it makes me feel at home within myself.

I am a person who likes change. I rarely run on the same route, I try different restaurants, I like to travel to new places. But even for me, I need a rhythm: something that becomes familiar as I do it often. With everything being new to me--every street, every person, every shop--my mind craves something familiar: something to ground me, something to provide a balance of things new and things old.

I realized that I have been going without a rhythm since I moved here. While watching Runaway Bride seemed like a strange thing at first, I now realize that Richard Gere and Julia Roberts provided some level of familiarity to me that has calmed my overstimulated mind and heart.

Recognizing this is a big mile stone for me! I've uncovered a subconscious truth about myself, and now I have the change to adjust accordingly. I believe that creating a routine over the next little while will enable me to create my new familiar.

I've hesitated to create a routine since moving here because I haven't wanted to feel like a structure is tying me down or keeping me from creating and becoming. I realize now, however, that establishing my own rhythm in my new home, ironically, will help me feel more liberated and free to be my true self! So thank you Maggie Carpenter and Ike Graham for letting me watch your story over and over and over!...but it's time for me to find other ways to achieve familiarity here.

I feel like this picture well depicts the chaos I've been feeling inside as I haven't had a routine to grasp on to: